16 June 2010

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In my non-drug induced (that is to say, I hadn't taken my drugs yet) haze while I drove over to Mike's this evening, I had a kind of hurtful thought.

He's so busy all the time, studying for boards, studying in general. If I was really a big love, wouldn't he still want to see me? Is there another woman out there in the world that would make him want to spend time with her? Does that mean it's not me?

I guess it's part of the quest to find out whose locks you open naturally... And when I come up against doors that won't budge, I think 'oh God, what if I'm not the one to be opening this? Will this ever change?'

I kind of do these things a lot. If I meet someone who I'm kind of crushing on, and it's not an epic meeting or anything, then I worry that we're not meant to be because we don't have a story of 'how we met'. I want some magic in my love--you know?

I miss how Mike and I were at the beginning. Of course, then he didn't have school. He had time to tape roses to my window.

I just hope the days of me being courted aren't over.

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cellosong

January 2011

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