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heart of the unicorn
22 July 2004 08:38I've decided that I cry too easily. This isn't a split second decision upon the fact of tears, it's a scientific observation based on all my years of life. No matter how strong my arguement is, my position is inexorably ruined if I get too worked up by the 'injustice of it all' or my abject irritation and start to cry even THROUGH my arguements. If my voice gets strained, I'm absolutely FURIOUS by it. How DARE my body take a natural function like tears, which ought to be used for something rarer and more special, like perhaps extreme pain or sadness, or joy perhaps, though I don't personally know anyone who's ever cried out of sheer joy.
It's terrible to know that there are things that I, in my infinite human wisdom [haha], cannot control on my own person, even when fighting to. Or at least obvious functions--I'm rather glad that I can't tell my heart to stop beating, or my sweat glands to stop excreting sweat. Those are natural. Yet, situational crying, especially in situations when it is not necessary, not wanted, and not helping, is frankly useless. It infuriates me. I'm angry now, not because of the arguement with my mother who is being unreasonable as every mother is, but at my lack of composure. I must work on that. Perhaps I'll prick my fingers with pins until it no longer bothers me. Perhaps I'll think of all the horrible things I can until it no longer affects me. Or perhaps I won't do any of that, and just realize that because my parents can reduce me to the level of a child again with their wrath, my tears are excused for that reason.
Because that's what parents do. With their feelings, they can bring back the psychological state of being three years old and being subject to that same disparaging glare.
I didn't cry much when I was a child.
But if I were three right now, in this day and age, I probably would.
Perhaps I'll share my findings with psychological experts... it IS going to be my major, after all.
It's terrible to know that there are things that I, in my infinite human wisdom [haha], cannot control on my own person, even when fighting to. Or at least obvious functions--I'm rather glad that I can't tell my heart to stop beating, or my sweat glands to stop excreting sweat. Those are natural. Yet, situational crying, especially in situations when it is not necessary, not wanted, and not helping, is frankly useless. It infuriates me. I'm angry now, not because of the arguement with my mother who is being unreasonable as every mother is, but at my lack of composure. I must work on that. Perhaps I'll prick my fingers with pins until it no longer bothers me. Perhaps I'll think of all the horrible things I can until it no longer affects me. Or perhaps I won't do any of that, and just realize that because my parents can reduce me to the level of a child again with their wrath, my tears are excused for that reason.
Because that's what parents do. With their feelings, they can bring back the psychological state of being three years old and being subject to that same disparaging glare.
I didn't cry much when I was a child.
But if I were three right now, in this day and age, I probably would.
Perhaps I'll share my findings with psychological experts... it IS going to be my major, after all.
