Bleh.

The color of the sky as far as I can see
Is coal grey
Lift my head from the pillow and then
Fall again
By the force of will my lungs are filled, and
So I breathe

Every time I listen to a song that has an electric guitar part to it, I have started to envision the expert level Guitar Hero chart for it. This is akin to when I first started playing tetris attack for hours, and when I tried to read the words were shfting around to make three and four chains of 'and's 'or's and 'the's. I should probably be doing chemistry right now, but I'm sort of just sitting around waiting for it to be time for me to go meet the pre-med advisor and have a nice heart to heart with her about my terrible class problems. I think I'm waiting for someone else to come and solve it for me instead of working it out on my own. Possibly because I'm deathly afraid of making serious and lasting choices. I like to provide space for my own inevitable conflcts of interest, but I wonder sometimes that if in giving space for those conflicts I make them happen. I don't know. It would be nice to know something. Something solid, something unchanging. Predicting chaos by saying, 'expect the unexpected' is nearly as worthless as trying to make chaos conform to law.

The more Japanese history classes I attend, the more I believe (through the writing) that I probably should have been a noble in the Heian period. They have more 'soft melancholy' than any other form of literature I've ever read. Delicate melancholy at the intransience of the world is totally useless and unfufilling, and I like it.

My appearance fails to impress me recently. It's not a big deal, it just adds a nice garnish to the outside edge of my sort of dour aggravation. I'm pretty sure this aggravation would be ameliorated by making peace with my current class situation, but as long as the chem teacher continues to be the purportedly 'hardest chem teacher' while simultaneously not actually teaching class at all, I'm pretty sure the unrest will continue. Also, when the heck did I get it into my head that I wanted to take a buttload of science classes? I'm only interested in the application, not all the crap that I have to learn in order to apply it. Which I realize is totally necessary to get to the interesting stuff. I just wish it didn't suck so hard.

I want to take some pill and wake up in the insane real world where we're being harvested by robots for energy, and I want someone to plug something into the back of my neck, so I can flip out with my eyes closed and wake up gasping: "...I know chemistry!" Then I would beckon mockingly with two fingers and create a cure for AIDS using only the molecules present in my own body and the chair that I was just sitting in.

I just figure... if my entire life is going to be learning, why not learn something that I enjoy fully, instead of just enjoying the end product (which I won't be able to reach unless I go through years and years of being grumpy). But even with that truth in my head, I can't make myself make the decision to completely cut out pre-med from my education, because I want it there as a choice--a choice that I couldn't make without the science courses that I don't actually really want to be taking.

ARGH.

I put all this in writing because I'm pretty sure people are tired of me talking about it, and you can skip rants that you've heard before on the internet, but not in real life.

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Edit: (12:05)

This is why I should get a counselor. If counselors could do for my emotional quandries/problems what pre-med advisors can do for my major/minor insecurities and worries, I would be feeling 100% better about everything in my life.

It's my party, and I can take the MCATs whenever I want to, whenever I want to, whenever I want to.

...although, you would cry too if it happened to you. :P