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If Solution of HCl is Basic, Says Student, I Will Eat My Hat
(Knox College, Galesburg IL) The Chemistry lab is usually disturbed by things like explosions, not by the students wondering whether or not their solution of strong acid is slightly basic--something they find more disturbing than explosions, which occur on a semi daily basis. "I don't know what's happening here," said one student, eyes haggard and skin pale from staying up for three weeks straight, "I used the equations in the book the way they said they should be used, and it said the pH of my HCl solution was 8! I just don't know how--" the first student was drowned out, as another student in the background began screaming as an unknown solution was spilled on the back of his hand. When asked how to treat the spill, with an acid or base, the student cried out, "I just don't know anymore!" Chaos (or entropy, as the locals call it) ensued mightily as (continued on page 3B)
If These iPod Wires Twist Around Each Other Again, I'm Going to Kill Bill Gates
(Knox College, Galesburg IL) In a fit of misplaced anger, believing Bill Gates to be responsible for all computer and electronic related problems, a student professed a desire to murder the multi-billionaire for the propensity of electronic wires to twist around each other for absolutely no reason. "I just put it in my pocket, damnit! Twenty seconds later, the **** wires are twisted all around each other! How did it get like that! What the **** is going on!" ranted the insane student, waving an iPod angrily in the air, "I swear if it happens again, I'm going to go straight to the source and kill Bill Gates!" When it was explained to the student that it was not in fact Bill Gates' fault that the iPod was "malfunctioning," he went on a rampage, destroying half of the Gizmo before (continued on page 2C)
Nerf War Begins in the Quads: 2 Die of Internal Hemhorraging
(Knox College, Galesburg IL) The snow covered quads of Knox College were an idyllic, pastoral scene, broken only by horrifying screams of violence and a blazing inferno. Twenty-four hours earlier the College's first all-out intramural Nerf War had begun, as students could no longer find any other ways to occupy their time. However, the participating students had no idea how "all-out" the war would become. "It just came out of nowhere, man," said one distraught student, "One minute we were all running around shooting each other with foam bullets, and the next minute Jake was dead!" Sources say that upon shooting all his foam bullets and not being able to find any of them, an unnamed male student became disgruntled. Amidst the ensuing screams, two students were killed. Of the few who could be reached for comment, one said "I don't think he was using regulation ammunition." Two of the new bullets were discovered, after an elemental analysis, to contain nearly toxic amounts of (continued on page 2C)
(Knox College, Galesburg IL) The Chemistry lab is usually disturbed by things like explosions, not by the students wondering whether or not their solution of strong acid is slightly basic--something they find more disturbing than explosions, which occur on a semi daily basis. "I don't know what's happening here," said one student, eyes haggard and skin pale from staying up for three weeks straight, "I used the equations in the book the way they said they should be used, and it said the pH of my HCl solution was 8! I just don't know how--" the first student was drowned out, as another student in the background began screaming as an unknown solution was spilled on the back of his hand. When asked how to treat the spill, with an acid or base, the student cried out, "I just don't know anymore!" Chaos (or entropy, as the locals call it) ensued mightily as (continued on page 3B)
If These iPod Wires Twist Around Each Other Again, I'm Going to Kill Bill Gates
(Knox College, Galesburg IL) In a fit of misplaced anger, believing Bill Gates to be responsible for all computer and electronic related problems, a student professed a desire to murder the multi-billionaire for the propensity of electronic wires to twist around each other for absolutely no reason. "I just put it in my pocket, damnit! Twenty seconds later, the **** wires are twisted all around each other! How did it get like that! What the **** is going on!" ranted the insane student, waving an iPod angrily in the air, "I swear if it happens again, I'm going to go straight to the source and kill Bill Gates!" When it was explained to the student that it was not in fact Bill Gates' fault that the iPod was "malfunctioning," he went on a rampage, destroying half of the Gizmo before (continued on page 2C)
Nerf War Begins in the Quads: 2 Die of Internal Hemhorraging
(Knox College, Galesburg IL) The snow covered quads of Knox College were an idyllic, pastoral scene, broken only by horrifying screams of violence and a blazing inferno. Twenty-four hours earlier the College's first all-out intramural Nerf War had begun, as students could no longer find any other ways to occupy their time. However, the participating students had no idea how "all-out" the war would become. "It just came out of nowhere, man," said one distraught student, "One minute we were all running around shooting each other with foam bullets, and the next minute Jake was dead!" Sources say that upon shooting all his foam bullets and not being able to find any of them, an unnamed male student became disgruntled. Amidst the ensuing screams, two students were killed. Of the few who could be reached for comment, one said "I don't think he was using regulation ammunition." Two of the new bullets were discovered, after an elemental analysis, to contain nearly toxic amounts of (continued on page 2C)
