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Flunk Day should be tomorrow, but whoever that asshole who told on it was ruined it. Got expelled. I wish it was tomorrow, I think I'm going to die otherwise. I can't handle falling behind on another lab/test/assignment/whatever.
Been sick since earlier. My mind has the kind of headache where it feels like the two hemispheres are trying to rip apart from each other. They're doing pretty well at it, as far as I can tell.
It's so hot, I want to immerse myself in ice water. Maybe that would also cure the headache. Spent the day in bed today. Not alone. Life is exploding with complications at an exponential rate, and I just want to scream so that everything will shut up for like thirty seconds and I can think clearly. It's like being accosted by demons at 80 miles an hour driving down the freeway car chase when you don't have a license and you have to complete props that will be going on stage in twenty seconds that someone just broke at the same time. Confused reading that sentence? That's my head, but all the time, and louder.
Except when I'm curled up--then everything is quiet and there aren't any thoughts flinging themselves around. It's like a haven from complication until we start talking about exactly what we are and what we're going to do about it, and then it starts up again. I don't even know. Part of me wants to just shank everyone who doesn't think we should/can pull it together. Another part of me doesn't know how to make a shank.
Part of me knows that we should probably stay apart and grow and learn over the summer and come back and try again yext year, but part of me wails piteously about losing the sunshine months where we could lie around in the grass and wrestle like puppies and take walks and spend the long days happily together. We never get tired of each other's company. Today the sun was in his hair (Lord, I'm tearing up just talking about it), and in his eyes and I didn't want to move ever, just smile. This is tearing me into little bits, and I can't finish any of my work. It's hot, and I've been vaguely nauseous since we fought in the evening.
We don't even really fight. He makes statements, and I crumple. Is this unhealthy? That we just sort of whine at each other because we're both so deeply distressed by the situation that even when logic rears its clockwork head and tells us to step back a little we just cling closer? Are we destroying this just because we won't let it go before trying to rebuild? Like putting sealant over a cavity without digging out the damage first? I feel like that's what it would be if we just got back together now. We both know that... I have no idea what to do.
Argh, I have no idea what to do.
That's a lie. I do have an idea, but I don't want to do it.
Maybe I should learn to make a shank.
Been sick since earlier. My mind has the kind of headache where it feels like the two hemispheres are trying to rip apart from each other. They're doing pretty well at it, as far as I can tell.
It's so hot, I want to immerse myself in ice water. Maybe that would also cure the headache. Spent the day in bed today. Not alone. Life is exploding with complications at an exponential rate, and I just want to scream so that everything will shut up for like thirty seconds and I can think clearly. It's like being accosted by demons at 80 miles an hour driving down the freeway car chase when you don't have a license and you have to complete props that will be going on stage in twenty seconds that someone just broke at the same time. Confused reading that sentence? That's my head, but all the time, and louder.
Except when I'm curled up--then everything is quiet and there aren't any thoughts flinging themselves around. It's like a haven from complication until we start talking about exactly what we are and what we're going to do about it, and then it starts up again. I don't even know. Part of me wants to just shank everyone who doesn't think we should/can pull it together. Another part of me doesn't know how to make a shank.
Part of me knows that we should probably stay apart and grow and learn over the summer and come back and try again yext year, but part of me wails piteously about losing the sunshine months where we could lie around in the grass and wrestle like puppies and take walks and spend the long days happily together. We never get tired of each other's company. Today the sun was in his hair (Lord, I'm tearing up just talking about it), and in his eyes and I didn't want to move ever, just smile. This is tearing me into little bits, and I can't finish any of my work. It's hot, and I've been vaguely nauseous since we fought in the evening.
We don't even really fight. He makes statements, and I crumple. Is this unhealthy? That we just sort of whine at each other because we're both so deeply distressed by the situation that even when logic rears its clockwork head and tells us to step back a little we just cling closer? Are we destroying this just because we won't let it go before trying to rebuild? Like putting sealant over a cavity without digging out the damage first? I feel like that's what it would be if we just got back together now. We both know that... I have no idea what to do.
Argh, I have no idea what to do.
That's a lie. I do have an idea, but I don't want to do it.
Maybe I should learn to make a shank.
