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Dear ____,
I walked home in the sunset today. I didn't really want to watch a movie. The air was chilly and crisp and reminded me of the nights I spent up in that tree last time this happened. Part of me (the dominant part right now) wants me to believe that it'll be the same. That I'll cry and cry, at all the little ways you had insinuated yourself into my life and became the most important part, and that you'll take it back, and we'll cry, and kiss, and hug, and I'll scratch your head, and your foot will twitch, and I'll cry because of what I almost had to say goodbye too. When _____ saw me, and heard what happened, she started to cry too. I think it was because of how I looked. That I was falling off my heels, and almost didn't make it to the chair. I told her after a while, after we had gotten ice cream, that I had lost one of the best parts of my life. That I had loved you more than I'd ever loved anyone else before. Then I walked home. That's when I saw the tree.
Anyway, when I got home, some more people asked me if I was okay, and told me they were really sorry. I kept wanting to reassure them, like it wasn't permanent. Like you had just walked down the street to get some candy, and you'd be back any time. My bed was empty when I walked into my room, even though I had developed the habit of turning my neck a little farther so I could see whether or not you were curled up in the corner under the blankets. You're bigger than I am, you know. The hole you left is a little bigger than me.
I thought people were you when I walked down the street because my eyes were starving to see you. The hole you left is a little bigger than me.
I want to call you and ask you to step outside the reality of us not together again, to hide in a fort under my bed so that nobody can see us being together. I can't even handle being without you for a few hours. The wind is chillier, the sky is a little darker. What am I going to do for another day? Another two days? I haven't gone a day without you in some form for... I don't even remember how long. I'm going to be so lonely, ____. I'm going to be so lonely.
I'm hoping that you're feeling the same way, and that maybe your heart will allow you one last look at this journal. Just because. And you'll remember the crisp nights, and the rain, and the trees, and our break-up fort, and church and song and how my heart soared when you smiled at me when ______ came to visit you. Just this morning we woke up together. Just this afternoon we napped together. A little later you were exclaiming about how cute I was, and I was playing up to you. Come pretend we're alone in the world. Come hide under covers with me and make a fort. Take a walk with me. Pretend we're alone in the world. I don't want to be without you.
I don't want to get to the place where it's really over. Where I know that.
I love you. I miss you. Please change your mind.
______
p.s. I'm leaving the window open.
I walked home in the sunset today. I didn't really want to watch a movie. The air was chilly and crisp and reminded me of the nights I spent up in that tree last time this happened. Part of me (the dominant part right now) wants me to believe that it'll be the same. That I'll cry and cry, at all the little ways you had insinuated yourself into my life and became the most important part, and that you'll take it back, and we'll cry, and kiss, and hug, and I'll scratch your head, and your foot will twitch, and I'll cry because of what I almost had to say goodbye too. When _____ saw me, and heard what happened, she started to cry too. I think it was because of how I looked. That I was falling off my heels, and almost didn't make it to the chair. I told her after a while, after we had gotten ice cream, that I had lost one of the best parts of my life. That I had loved you more than I'd ever loved anyone else before. Then I walked home. That's when I saw the tree.
Anyway, when I got home, some more people asked me if I was okay, and told me they were really sorry. I kept wanting to reassure them, like it wasn't permanent. Like you had just walked down the street to get some candy, and you'd be back any time. My bed was empty when I walked into my room, even though I had developed the habit of turning my neck a little farther so I could see whether or not you were curled up in the corner under the blankets. You're bigger than I am, you know. The hole you left is a little bigger than me.
I thought people were you when I walked down the street because my eyes were starving to see you. The hole you left is a little bigger than me.
I want to call you and ask you to step outside the reality of us not together again, to hide in a fort under my bed so that nobody can see us being together. I can't even handle being without you for a few hours. The wind is chillier, the sky is a little darker. What am I going to do for another day? Another two days? I haven't gone a day without you in some form for... I don't even remember how long. I'm going to be so lonely, ____. I'm going to be so lonely.
I'm hoping that you're feeling the same way, and that maybe your heart will allow you one last look at this journal. Just because. And you'll remember the crisp nights, and the rain, and the trees, and our break-up fort, and church and song and how my heart soared when you smiled at me when ______ came to visit you. Just this morning we woke up together. Just this afternoon we napped together. A little later you were exclaiming about how cute I was, and I was playing up to you. Come pretend we're alone in the world. Come hide under covers with me and make a fort. Take a walk with me. Pretend we're alone in the world. I don't want to be without you.
I don't want to get to the place where it's really over. Where I know that.
I love you. I miss you. Please change your mind.
______
p.s. I'm leaving the window open.