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Weird weekend. I had a lovely Valentine's Day--went out to a delicious dinner, educated Mike on the finer points of lady's stockings--but I was also out of whack.
For the last week or so, I've been sleeping in four hour bursts interrupted by periods of extreme wakefulness. I don't really want to be extremely away at 4am... I want to be asleep. Anyway, it's a drag, and it's starting to wear on me. This weekend, I was excessively fragile. I was in tears three or four times because I was afraid nobody liked me. I'd even come up with what I thought of as irrefutable proof of this. When I was studying at Kaldi's with Mike, he said one cranky sentence because he was frustrated with his work and he was hungry and I'd just accidentally earblasted him with something I was trying to show him on my computer, and I had to sneak off to the bathroom to cry for ten minutes. Blgh. I'm also cranky as shit, and a bit hyper-sexed.
This is all mixed up. I got sort of used to different behavioral symptoms being lumped into categories. If I wasn't getting any sleep, was crazy happy or crazy angry, super sexual, not giving half a damn about my classes because everything was going to turn out fine, etc. I was on the manic side. If I was sluggish, crying over bits of nothing or percieved slights that didn't really exist, sleeping all the time, fretting because I wasn't going to amount to anything, not going to class because there was no way I was going to pass it anyway, etc. I was on the depressed side. I knew how to react to those--what to do, what not to do, how to mediate myself.
...Right now, I'm feeling on both sides, but not settled, and I really have no idea what's going on and it is making me fretful and off-balance. I need to be studying, I can't be trying to figure out what's going on with myself so i can try to mediate it so I can try to study. I need to be studying. I has calculus test tomorrow, and how well I do on it pretty much determines whether or not I pass the class. I need to get at least a B to even be marginally safe. I need to get an A to give myself a little padding on top of that C I need to walk away and never see calculus again.
Not happy.
For the last week or so, I've been sleeping in four hour bursts interrupted by periods of extreme wakefulness. I don't really want to be extremely away at 4am... I want to be asleep. Anyway, it's a drag, and it's starting to wear on me. This weekend, I was excessively fragile. I was in tears three or four times because I was afraid nobody liked me. I'd even come up with what I thought of as irrefutable proof of this. When I was studying at Kaldi's with Mike, he said one cranky sentence because he was frustrated with his work and he was hungry and I'd just accidentally earblasted him with something I was trying to show him on my computer, and I had to sneak off to the bathroom to cry for ten minutes. Blgh. I'm also cranky as shit, and a bit hyper-sexed.
This is all mixed up. I got sort of used to different behavioral symptoms being lumped into categories. If I wasn't getting any sleep, was crazy happy or crazy angry, super sexual, not giving half a damn about my classes because everything was going to turn out fine, etc. I was on the manic side. If I was sluggish, crying over bits of nothing or percieved slights that didn't really exist, sleeping all the time, fretting because I wasn't going to amount to anything, not going to class because there was no way I was going to pass it anyway, etc. I was on the depressed side. I knew how to react to those--what to do, what not to do, how to mediate myself.
...Right now, I'm feeling on both sides, but not settled, and I really have no idea what's going on and it is making me fretful and off-balance. I need to be studying, I can't be trying to figure out what's going on with myself so i can try to mediate it so I can try to study. I need to be studying. I has calculus test tomorrow, and how well I do on it pretty much determines whether or not I pass the class. I need to get at least a B to even be marginally safe. I need to get an A to give myself a little padding on top of that C I need to walk away and never see calculus again.
Not happy.
